Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay!

• Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year, "said the distraught homeowner, "When someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

Firetruck

• A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
  The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.
  "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
  "Thanks," the girl says.
  The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your firetruck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
  The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer group be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That ought to be obvious" he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"

A mom is driving her second-grade daughter and two of her friends to school one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started talking about what the dog's duties were.
One little girl said, "They use him to keep crowds back."
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
The daughter said, "No! No! They use the dogs to find the fire hydrants."

Q: If H20 is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A. K9P

MURPHY’S LAW FOR FIREFIGHTERSfor Firefighters

• · If it's a stupid idea but works, it isn't stupid.
• · When in doubt, empty your knapsack on the nearest tree stump.
• · Never work at a fire that is braver than you.
• · All fire fronts 1 hour away, will arrive in 30 minutes.
• · Try to look unfit, they may be running out of people for the rake hoe line.
• · A fireball has the right of way.
•   The media will turn up, just as your brilliant plan turns to crap.
• · When the Commissioner rings, the fire is always under control.
• · When you have an area under control, don't forget to tell the fire.
• · That unimportant fire you are ignoring is the main front.
• · If you are short of everything except fire, things are going as per normal.
• · Never forget that your equipment was made by the lowest bidder.
• · If your efforts are going really great, you're at the wrong fire.
• · Things that must work together, usually aren't shipped together.
• · The hose will have round thread and the branch will have storz.
• · Portable radio batteries will fail at the precise moment you need help.
• · If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
•  Anything you do will be wrong, including doing nothing.
• · If you put out more fire than you are asked too, you will be given more fire to put out.
• · You will always have more fire than you do water.
• · With a little organization, chaos can be assured.
• · If one item is hard to get, make sure you grab three.
• · If you grab a brush hook instead of a rake hoe, you will need the rake hoe.
• · The distance from a piece of equipment you need, is directly proportional to the urgency in which you need it.
• · It is easier to receive forgiveness than permission.
• · When accused, admit nothing, deny everything, and make counter accusations.
• · Success forgives all sins.
• · You will run out of pump fuel, just as the main front is approaching.
• · That firebreak you spent all night constructing, is in the wrong place.
• · Any wind blows no good.
•   Your biggest save will have no witnesses.
• · Your biggest mistake will have hundreds of witnesses.
• · When you need to put in a quick back burn, nobody will have a match.
• · The person who contributed least to the fire fighting effort, will be the only one interviewed on the six o-clock news.
• · No matter how bad things get, it will look much worse on TV.
• · The area maps you have will be the wrong ones.
• · Reinforcements will arrive, as soon as the fire is contained.
• · No plan survives the first contact

YOU MIGHT BE A VOLUNTEER FIREFIGHTER IF...

Your two way radio transmissions all begin with "Breaker, Breaker"

You have ever been dispatched to a working "cow" fire

You ever put out a cow chip fire

Your PASS alarm goes "Yeee Haw"

 You dispatch center ever said "Y'all can't miss it"

You used your rescue air bags as furniture at the fire station

You refill your air bottles at the local gas station "Free Air" hose

Your department has a Rescue Bubba and a Rescue Cow for training

You only wash down the floor in the station to "keep the dust down"

Your radio call signal is "Wheee doggies"

 You have to mark the department out of service two weeks during deer season and every Sunday during the Winston Cup Race

You bought a computer so you could get NASCAR Online on the Internet

You count reading fire magazines in the bathroom as training hours

Your last four fire department raffles were for a shotgun...and a member won it each time.

You borrowed the department's quick dump tank so you could have a neighborhood pool party

Your safety officer is the person who broke his arm at the last house fire

Your rehab consists of a cold beer and a pack of "nabs"

Your last serious fire was your fire department BBQ

You used your "good" fire house as a bumper on your boat dock

You have a shotgun rack in the back of your fire truck....and got two bucks on your last call

* You can tell what type of fire it is by the smell of smoke 10 miles away.

* You have ever had a heated debate over the color of firetrucks.

* You have ever spent 10 min trying to force open a door only to have someone come along and open it by turning the handle.

* You have ever taken 10 or more showers in 1 day.

* You lay out your clothes from that day so if there is a call at night you can find them quickly.

* You take great joy in smashing the windows of a car parked in a fire zone or in front of a hydrant. (see what I mean.)

* You have ever been airborne without an aircraft and water was your thrust.

Q: What does CHAOS stand for?

A: “Chief Has Arrives On Scene”

Q: How do you put out a fire?

A: Take away the HEAT, FUEL, OXYGEN or the CHIEF

Q: How many paramedics does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, because the world revolves around them!

Q. How do you get down from an aerial ladder?
A. You don't get down from an aerial ladder. You get down from a duck.
( I know, that's a bad joke...

Reverend John, Pastor of the largest Southern Church in town, and a fire chief both died and arrived at the pearly gates simultaneously at which point the Chief was immediately passed on through.

Reverend John immediately raised a hue and cry stating that he knew the man to be totally sacrilegious, a downright reprobate and a discredit to the human race as opposed to himself who always lived a pious life by preaching the Word, saving souls, and generally caring for his fellow man.

Saint Peter retorted, "My dear John, your case has to be examined more fully. We have to look at the facts surrounding your arrival completely before admitting you to heaven. After all, during the many years that you preached the Word of God from your pulpit most people fell asleep. While the chief drove his fire engine, everybody prayed !"

A Letter From A Fan.....

From: Mrs Mildred Jones
910 Smith Street
XXXXXXXX

To: Fire Chief
Fire Department
XXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXX

Dear Chief,

I am taking this opportunity to thank you for putting out the fire in my house at 366 Lincoln Street, although you will note from the address above that I do not live in the house any longer. I can see that a fire in the cellar is fairly easy to put out. You just fill it up with water. Too bad my fire wasn't in the cellar.

I was quite worried when the fire engines arrived, with all that confusion and running around. My husband said, "it's a good thing it was daylight or there might have been more accidents." I hope the man who fell off the fire engine when it lurched in front of the house is all right. The other engine, the big one, just missed running him over.

They really got the hose off the engine fast and piled it up in the middle of the road and started looking for the ends. One man pulled out one end, put a big spray nozzle on it and dashed into the house. Another man found the other end and put a big nozzle on it and ran to the side of the house. Then they both shouted to "start the water". How ingenious, I would have thought they would have had to screw the hoses onto a hydrant or truck to get water out of them !

I felt so sorry for the man with the cap on who was left with the engine. He was wringing his hands, pulling on knobs and, one would have thought that he almost looked like he didn't know what else to do. He finally got into the engine and drove it down the street out of sight.

I also felt sorry for the man in the white helmet who kept dropping his portable radio and waving his arms a lot. Lucky for him it was a mild day so, when the water from the hose hit him, he probably didn't catch a cold. After he found his helmet, hand light and portable radio, he began waving his arms again but, since I was so far away, I couldn't hear what he was saying. He seemed a might upset and angry.

After a while, the smoke was getting blacker and blacker so, I thought it best that I get some of my belongings out of the house. I was putting together some of my most valued possessions when two men with tanks on their backs and masks on their faces rescued me. You men are so thoughtful.

They were in an excitable state and talking incoherently through the masks. One pointed to a door; I tried to warn them but, it was too late. They opened the door to the closet and both charged in. I was able to get the bigger fellow out without too much trouble but, the smaller man's tank was caught in the wall. He certainly hit the wall hard and the big man was right behind him.

I immediately went to the window to attract attention. I know there was a lot of men outside running around and yelling. The man with "Captain" on his helmet and another man with "Division Chief" on his helmet who were running around the house at top speed collided head on. The "Division Chief" was furious; the "Captain" didn't get up. It's a good thing that they moved him because that's where the big metal ladder landed when it fell over.

In the excitement, someone had closed the closet door where the little man was trapped and, it wasn't until a little bell started ringing on the man's tank that anyone thought about him. You people certainly think of everything ! Imagine a bell on you that rings when you get caught in a closet.

They got the poor man out but he almost suffocated when they attempted to revive him with the breathing machine. Three other people were turning knobs on the bottles and the air hose while arguing about how to use it. Fortunately, the man had enough strength to keep pushing the face mask off or he might have smothered there and then.

By this time smoke was blanketing the neighborhood. I was most impressed when your new ladder truck pulled up and the men raised the big ladder and chopped a hole in the roof. My neighbor still wonders why they cut a hole in his roof instead of mine but, I continue to tell him that he should shut up and leave the firefighting to the professionals.

I went upstairs where it was very hot and smoky. I opened the windows and, it wasn't too bad. Outside, men were struggling with a ladder which was caught up in some electrical wires and branches. Someone had moved it, stranded a guy on the roof and, they now were trying to get it back to him cause he couldn't get down. They certainly were excited, dancing around with that ladder !

Then I heard a lot of noise coming from the stairway - hacking, coughing and swearing. The language was awful ! A man exhorting the others, "get up there, you @*#%&#@*, get up there !" Through the smoke, I could see a man lying near the top step of the stairs. He shouted, "Hey Cap, there's a lady up here !" It must have been "Cap" who yelled back, "Give her the line, maybe she can get a shot at it and, watch you language, you @#$&*X$."

Because of the difficulty I had getting that big hose around, I would suggest that the bigger men hold the hoses while the little guys run around with the tools.

If you remember, after the fire was out, there was a rash of accidents. A man wearing a white hat and, with more bugles than the others on his collar came upstairs and berated the man with "Captain" on his hat for throwing debris out the window without checking to see if someone was below. Shortly thereafter, there were shouts to stop. The man with all the bugles had just been hit by a falling sofa while walking along the side of the building.

The officer with "Safety" on his helmet was injured and almost drowned when he fell through a hole in the floor and ended up in the flooded cellar. A chair had been placed over the hole but the man in the white hat who had gotten wet earlier made them move it because someone might have tripped over it. He then told the man with "Safety" on his helmet that he was a dopey anyway ! Such language !

A "Captain" was making a close examination of a wall when someone struck it with a heavy tool from the other side. The "Captain" seemed okay but his helmet was wedged on his head; they couldn't get it off. He also seemed somewhat shorter.

The man with the white hat became very pleasant, although he was still quite wet. He told me how lucky I was and pointed out to my neighbors and myself the importance of calling the Fire Department in case of a fire. Most big fires are the result of delayed alarms. Imagine what would have happened had I waited to call.

In closing, I would like to say that we haven't had so much excitement and commotion around here since the little boy rang the false alarm and the big ladder truck rolled backwards down the hill into the car with "Chief" painted on it and the bell in front.

Thank you again for your efforts on my behalf and, I will try not to leave the iron on the ironing board again.

Respectfully yours,
(Mildred Smith)

How can you tell you work for a fire department in the South?

You don't own a Dalmatian, but you do have a coon dog named Sparky.
Your rescue truck can smoke the tires.
Your department's name is misspelled on the equipment.
Your engine had to be towed in the last Christmas Parade.
Dispatch can't mention your name without laughing.
The local news crew won't put your department on TV because you embarrassed them last time.
You've ever referred to a light bar as sexy.
Your defib consists of a pair of jumper cables, a marine battery, and a fish finder.
You've ever taken a girl on a date in a pumper.
Your pumper has been on fire more times than it has been to a fire.
Your pumper smokes more than the house fire.
The only time the trucks leave the station is on bingo night.

You refill your air bottles at the local gas station "Free Air" hose.

You have a shotgun rack in the back of your fire truck...and got two bucks on your last call.

You count reading fire magazines in the bathroom as training hours.

You painted your new rescue truck to look like Earnhardt's race car.

You have ever been dispatched to a working "cow" fire.

Your PASS alarm goes "Yeee Haw", "Yeee Haw".

Your dispatch center has said "Y'all can't miss it".

You only wash down the floor in the station to "keep the dust down".

You keep 2 packs of "Red Man" in your turnout gear for "mergencies".

Your fireground radio transmissions begin with "Breaker, Breaker".

Your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing on the way to the scene.

Your firehouse has wheels

You've ever gotten back and found out you locked yourselves out of the firehouse.

You've ever been toned out on an outhouse fire.

That outhouse fire was with entrapment.

You've ever let a person's house burn down because they wouldn't let you hunt on their ground.

At least one vehicle in the firehouse still has decorations on it from the Halloween Parade and it's January.

Your Preacher borrows your PASS alarms each Sunday for church to keep the congregation awake.

You consider "2 in and 2 out" to be two guys in the cab and two on the tailboard of the truck.

The last girl you kissed was named Resci-Anne and you enjoyed it so much you are thinking about asking her out.

Q. How can you tell when a firefighter is asleep????
A. The remote control slips from his hand.

How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change the bulb and 3 to chop a hole in the roof.

Q. A fireman had two sons. What did he name them?
A. Hosea and Hoseb

A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory was always late for work.

When confronted by his boss the man explained: "You can’t park anywhere near this place!"

If a rural fire department made fire fighting mandatory not voluntary and to avoid serving on the fire department you move to the city. Would you call that person a backdraft dodger?

And there is so much more to come...